LOST AND FOUND AND GLORY BOUND

05/21/23

It’s 9 am in Antwerp and am writing from the backlot of the Sportpaleis where we will play the third show with Depeche Mode. We arrived here around 2am after the second Amsterdam show. Thats when we got on the bus. Prior to that we were at the Jaz Hotel for three nights which is attached to the Ziggo Dome. I mostly know where I am and it’s in the realm of surrealism and gratitude and jet lag and pure joy.

No it’s not. No I don’t.

It’s actually now 12:57 and we’ve just entered Sweden. I’m writing from the top lounge of the bus which I like because the view places you atop the driver hovering over the road. Woke up in Denmark this morning and opened the blinds to see the coastline to my right. Drinking coffee from a bag Anthony picked up from Kolonel in Antwerp. Rapeseed flowers multiply along the highway to the horizon. It all looks like this:

We left Antwerp around 2am and didn’t expect to make it this far but with a double driver the tourbus should be in Stockholm by dinner time. Day off tomorrow as well.

Our time in Antwerp was wonderful. On the first day, which was also a day off, we took a van from the Sportspaleis to the Ann Demuelemeester store. We met Britt who runs the store and she was welcoming taking Rainer to the back and peeling him an apple. He watched a movie while snacking as we looked around. Britt had a photography book on her from a friend of hers and thought we may enjoy looking at it. There was a photo of Lanegan in it. Amy and I had not been there in almost ten years and the store remodel was beautiful. I left with a cardigan, tank and purse. Upon leaving I checked my email and received a message from Trina, Mark’s sister. It all felt synched and purposeful and I know Mark was so beloved in Belgium.

The concert yesterday was my favorite so far. It was Anton Corbin’s birthday and everyone was in lifted spirits. It was great seeing him and his partner Nimi at then last three shows. I met him a few years prior when he photographed Tony Hawk and of course he is an absolute legend. Prior to our set we got to spend a little time with Dave and Martin from DM and the band’s manager Jonathan who are all so kind to take the time to say hello and simply be around… seemingly so casual before tearing the roof off in front on 20,000 people every night. Lanegan and Douglas McCarthy always said they were the coolest and it’s true.

We invited Ann Demuelemeester to the show and after our set Nimi brought her to our room. Ann is just the coolest, inspired, poetic, beautiful and thoughtful designer and person. When we were in Antwerp in 2014 with Nine Inch Nails she came out and we saw her shortly after that with Patti Smith for Ann’s book release in New York and haven’t since. She was excited to meet Rainer who asked her to make him a superhero costume. Haha. When I first started getting into fashion, a word that near induces sickness, it was Ann’s work that I felt a kinship with and it’s always an absolute pleasure to spend time with her.

After Depeche Mode’s set Ann, Amy and I we were talking upstairs and Martin came to join us and it was so calming and comfortable and just being in the presence of such unique, special and culture altering artists is what makes everything worth it. I decided years ago that if I couldn’t be in the presence of people who inspired me then I would be around no one. I’m thankful for these moments and am comfortable waiting a decade for them.

If I can veer to the right of doubt and focus on the beauty that does exist as I’m witnessing it first and only hand then perhaps I can remain in joy for a while. This gift is what I’m thankful for.

Because I don’t even know where to begin I’ll just dive into the random thought by way of list by way of second cup of coffee by way of any means necessary:

1. The privilege and luxury of being able to support and watch Depeche Mode is simply surreal. I’ve been moved to tears several times hearing so many songs that have soundtracked so many highs and lows of my life and seeing a sea of people all sharing that connection is such an unparalleled religious experience of power and glory. They somehow make these stadiums feel intimate and bigger than life at the same time. I’m not taking this for granted. I wonder how I landed here and I am not one to enjoy the present and I’ve been allowing myself to do that.

2. We work hard every single day. Maybe thats how we landed.

3. I am grateful.

4. Saint Jean is a really wonderful vegan bakery and cafe in Amsterdam. I am a lover of almond croissants and it’s a rare feat to find a vegan one and especially this incredible.

5. When you are the opening band for a band of this magnitude the experience can sway a variety of ways… from indifference to hatred and these crowds have been very kind to Cold Cave. I’ve heard the stories of it not going well for some opening bands and so far that is not our experience.

6. When you are waiting to take the stage in venues like these its impossible to grasp what the room looks or feels like until you are up there. From the floor at the bottom of the stairs it can almost feel empty as all you can see is the top nosebleed seats that aren’t full yet at the hour you play. When you climb the stairs and step into the light and see that its packed front to back it’s like a happy punch to the gut.

7. The genuine chemistry between Dave and Martin is awe inspiring. You always wonder about the dynamics and complications in these rare long term relationships… this particular one is sincere and the joy they radiate is infectious.

8. Amy, Ryan, Anthony and I are playing great together. It feels strong and everyone is pulling the weight. That’s the only way to pull this off. Sometimes during the set my comfort surprises myself and that’s largely in part to our collective strength.

9. In my sleep last night my phone was blowing up from my group chat with Tony, Cathy, Atiba and Ako who were at Cruel World fest to see Siouxsie as it was canceled due to weather.

10. Rainer walked right up to Dave and gave him a high five.

11. We walked Ann to her car and hugged goodbye and I hope we see her sooner than ten more years.

12. The day before the last show we were stopped on the street by some die hard DM fans who camp out to be in the front row. They gave me specific opinionated directions on what to say at the beginning of our set which was, “Good evening. We are Cold Cave……” I took their words verbatim and saw them giving me the thumbs up from the front row and then they high-fived each other.

13. It’s been too long since we’ve wondered European city streets. Feels like we used to be here all of the time. Photographing cathedrals and stopping in small stores and hunting for green juice and the best vegan restaurants. We tried to go to one called Plant B but the owner said they were out of food, directed us to a vegan taco joint called Pura Vida which we enjoyed.

14. Catering on this tour is 10/10 with lots of vegan options.

15. DM is just killing it in every way.

16. Cheree, Cheree, Oh Baby

17. There are 3 shows left and I don’t want this to ever end.

18. I have never fallen out of love with singing.

19. Stooges “Gimme Danger” is playing while I type, stopping to gaze out the window at the Swedish countryside and greenery and I breathe a few long breaths before I send this. I should be writing more but it’s a lot to take in and I’m unsure which schedule I’m on with irregular sleep and caffeine constructed energy conserved for concert. Wifi on the bus is spotty and I will go nap again now.

20. Here are some photos in no particular order:

Have you been well? Hope you have been well. More soon…